It's time for my monthly post! Yay, I know you are excited!

The past month has been full of exciting times. Here's the rundown:

1) I purchased tickets for my first opera, La Boheme. Then on the day of the opera, I came down with the stomach flu and had to miss it. I here from my friends that it was amazing.

2) I did get my money's worth out of the next set of tickets to see Aqualung perform at the Bluebird in Denver. If you are not familiar with Aqualung, check out their music at aqualung.net. An amazing concert with a slightly off opening band. Every member of Aqualung is incredibly talented. We were awed and amazed at their musicianship. The fact that they're British and have wonderful accents didn't hurt either.

3) I went to a screening for an Indie movie, Bella, due out in August. Several of the producers and the lead actor (proclaimed the Latin Brad Pitt, and yes, he was that attractive) were there. It was very interesting to here them express their heart about the movie and their passion behind why they made it. The movie won best picture at the Toronto Film Festival. I highly recommend that you go see it in August. I plan on seeing it again. The version we saw was rough cut, and I would really like to see the finished product. You can find out more about the movie here.

4) Barnes & Noble update: Last weekend we had Kevin J. Anderson, Rebecca Moesta, Darth Vader, and four storm troopers in to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Star Wars. If you are not familiar with Kevin and Rebecca, they have written several of the Star Wars books and Kevin is a writer for the Dune series. Great people. We had a lot of fun that day. I also had Ted Dekker in to sign his latest novel, Skin. Previous to Skin, Ted's books were all classified as religious fiction. Skin marks his move into regular fiction. Interesting guy. I had a great talk with his publicist, and we will likely have Ted in for future signings. It was the largest signing I've done since coming to B&N.

Other than fantastical events, we are approaching the end of school, so I'm working with several different schools to spend the remainder of their budget. It's kept me pretty busy. We're also moving into our summer reading program. If you have elementary aged kids, stop by your local B&N and pick up a reading journal. When your child reads any eight books, fills out the journal, and takes it back to B&N, they can get a free book. This year we are partnering with the Magic Tree House Series. Your kiddo could also enter to win a signed copy of the next in the series due out in August.

And then there's Harry Potter. If you haven't heard, book 7 comes out in July. July 21st to be precise. When it's all over, if I never here the name Harry again, I will be a very happy woman.

That's the update. Have a great day!

I have always said of myself that I do my part. I recycle. I don't turn my heat up too high or the AC down too low (a smaller carbon footprint, you know). I support a child through Compassion International. I tithe. I give out my spare change. I sign petitions. I vote. I support causes I believe in. And I just think that all in all I'm a good person.

But then I keep coming back to this idea, this realization, that I am completely and totally addicted to myself. I'm addicted to my book buying habit. I'm addicted to my television and my movie collection. I'm addicted to my cozy little apartment. I'm addicted to the convenience of my SUV and the fact that it can haul just about anything I want it to. I'm addicted to my Starbucks. I'm addicted to the convenience of life, and I simply just don't want my life to be inconvenient. And for all my causes and all my good works, I remain addicted to myself.

But the thing is that life is just a little bit inconvenient. I was reminded of that as I watched Hotel Rwanda tonight. Life is a little, actually very, inconvenient. It was inconvenient for the West that "acts of genocide" were committed in Rwanda, just as now it is inconvenient that similar acts are occurring in Sudan. It is inconvenient that millions are dying of starvation and AIDS. It is inconvenient that our own western cities have homeless, drug addicts, and impoverished people. It is inconvenient that are school systems are failing. It is inconvenient that I can't vote online but rather have to drive the few blocks to my neighborhood polling area. It is inconvenient that my produce is being genetically altered and pumped full of pesticides without me being fully aware of the dangers. It is inconvenient that our world is slowly diminishing thanks to the industrial era. It is simply inconvenient.

And because of my self addiction, I choose to live with those inconveniences. Sometimes it is more inconvenient for me to care about those inconveniences than it is for me to pray my little prayer, send my little well wishes, and pretend that my life is so very convenient.

But then there's the other thing. Despite my self addiction, despite the inconveniences, I also have to admit that we simply weren't created for this world. We were created for Eden. We were created for harmony and peace. We were created for perfect relationship with God. We were created for a world without inconvenience and addiction.

So maybe that gives me hope. Hope that there actually is something more than my addiction. Hope that there is actually something more to this world than inconvenience.

So am I a cynic, addicted to myself, addicted to convenience? Yes. But am I hopeful? Well, I want to be. After all, I recycle.

Most recent occurrence, I turned 25.

My day was completely relaxed. A nice lunch at Olive Garden with a few friends. Beautiful blue skies. Reading and more reading. Completely low key. Completely wonderful. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Thanks to all who shared birthday wishes. I hope to get back to each of you soon.

So now that I am 25, I must be considerably wiser. I must know something more than 24. Not sure that I do. I know that I am 25. I know that reading and hiking are the most enjoyable past times. I know that people are important and relationships with people even more important. I know that living healthy is about what you put into your body, how you exert your body, and the impact that body makes on the larger whole of our planet. I know that I can choose to give or choose to keep and that more often than not choosing to give is the more rewarding option. I know that I actually know nothing, or at least very little, and I know that is generally the status of most of humanity.

I'm 25, and I'm choosing to live my life. And maybe one of these days, I will figure out exactly what that means.

Today is a day of updating and uploading. I've finally updated the last three months worth of photos onto Flickr. And now I'm updating you on the last month, which has been mostly uneventful except for a wonderful three and a half days in Arlington, Texas with the Maxwells and Emily Wallace.

Jonah turned two, and I decided I couldn't miss out on the festivities since I was there for day one and birthday one. It was wonderful to see Steve, Alasha, Jonah, and Emily. We had a wonderful time together. Lots of quality talks and quality hang out time. I was very glad that I got to go down.

And then I turn around and my sister and Benjamin will be coming to visit in five days. I'm super-excited about seeing them since I haven't seen either since Thanksgiving. It will be great to spend some quality time with both.

Yea, for family and good friends!

Recently I have been thinking that many of you might be wondering how seminary is going. Well, I should tell you that it is not. Or perhaps I should say that I am sure Fuller Theological Seminary is running fine in the new winter quarter, but I am not running with it.

That's right, for the time being, I am not continuing in my seminary career. There are a multitude of reasons. I'll list a few below. Any who have further questions, please feel free to contact me.

• Between my job at Barnes & Noble and seminary, I was working two full-time jobs. There was little to no time to rest, sleep, eat, or just let my brain go on autopilot for a while. I was exhausted by the end of the term. Exhausted right in time for the holiday season at work.
• God's been pretty clear that part of His purposes for me right now are to rest and to heal. Two things that require a lot of time, and two things that I do not often allow myself to partake in. Between work and classes, there was no time for either.
• God has also given me amazing relationships with wonderful people both at work and my new church home. For some time, those relationships have been for me the most important things in my life. Yet once again with work and classes, there was no time to put into those relationships.
• Why not leave Barnes & Noble instead? Because many of the relationships that are so important are at Barnes & Noble. Because Barnes & Noble is my ministry--its the lives of other booksellers that I get to be involved in, day in and day out. It's the customers that I get to help and when I can encourage and uplift. It's the hundreds of lives that I get to be involved with on the everyday. The lives that I impact and that impact me.

Everyone at Fuller has been very gracious with me in this decision. I have also received a lot of encouragement in the decision from my family and a few key close friends. Eventually, the road may lead back to seminary. We'll have to wait and see.

Latest thoughts on the subject of me not liking God:

My counselor is an awesome woman and a very wise woman. I've been seeing Edith for about seven months now, and I'm extremely grateful to have that relationship in my life. We've discussed my dislike and lack of understanding of God several times, but the most profound thoughts thus far came out of last Monday's session.

Edith asked if perhaps the God I disliked wasn't God at all. Was it possible that what I disliked was a false image of God created by the pain, the fallacy, the legalism? Could the God I dislike so much actually be an idol rather than the true God?

Yes, I believe it is possible. In fact, I see now that the false God is exactly what I hate. The true God I want to know, I want to love.

As I've thought (and yes, even prayed) about this concept, I've been reminded of a favorite childhood movie The Never Ending Story. It is a story of a fantasy land that is continually altered and recreated through the workings of human imagination. However, this land, Fantasia, is being swallowed up by "The Nothing" because humans are forgetting what it is to imagine. (I hate to spoil the ending if you haven't seen it, but my analogy lies there. Thus, if you would someday like to watch it, stop here.) In the end, it is the imagination of one human boy, Sebastian, that can save Fantasia from being completed swallowed by The Nothing. He saves the day by giving the Empress of Fantasia a new name, creating new seeds of wonder and imagination in the land by which all of Fantasia can be created anew.

Like Sebastian, I think that I need to give God a new name or perhaps restore an old name that has been decimated by punitive thinking and language. God and I need to start afresh with a completely new idea of who He is, allowing the old idea to be swallowed by The Nothing.

It's a journey....what do you think?

I am about to be brutally honest. So if you don't want to read that brutal truth, then I suggest you move on in your Internet surf.

I don't like God right now. I am struggling to reconcile God with a lot of what I know and have experienced in this meaningless world. God makes no sense to me, and so I don't like him.

What is the more brutal truth is that I know that God is okay with that. God is okay with the fact that I am not okay with him, and God is not pushing me or forcing me in anyway to be okay with him. I suppose that is proof of a graceful God.

God is simply sitting with me. He's reminding me that he loves me. He's encouraging me not to give up on him and assuring me that he has not given up on me. He calls me his love, his beautiful girl, his child. And he sits with me as I wrestle with him.

I'm not giving up on God even though I do not like him and cannot reconcile him to my experience. I'm not walking away; though, there have definitely been moments that I have wanted to. The truth is that I can't. I can't because I need there to be something bigger than me. I need there to be something worth hoping in. I need there to be something that loves me and loves this meaningless world.

So if you decided to read the brutal truth and you happen to like God, it would be good of you to pray for me. I think that I would like you to do that. I think that I want to like him again. And if you read the brutal truth and like me you don't really like God right now, I want you to know that it is okay. I think, I hope, that God can handle it. I think he's okay with you not liking him the same way that he's okay with me not liking him. And I think he loves us anyway and is looking forward to the day when we decide we like him again.

Yesterday was not the day that I planned on having. My day off. 9:30am, and I'm on my way to work-out, get a massage, and run a few errands. As I am driving up Academy Blvd, I notice tons of billowing smoke. My first thought: Barnes & Noble is on fire. Surely it can't be, Dave and I were just joking about that yesterday. Then I get to the top of the hill and slowly realize that it is not B&N, but an apartment building--the apartment building that is literally in the backyard of my church, Springs of Life.

Fire trucks and fire hoses were everywhere. Four towers cascaded water onto the burning building. I made a quick left and drove through side streets trying to get as close to the church and the burning building as possible. I wanted to know if the church was on fire, too. I wanted to know if I could do anything to help. I parked my car, asked the police at the barricade if the church was okay, learned that it was, and asked if I could walk in. I could.

There was water and people everywhere. It was cold, but not as cold as the past several days had been. We hit somewhere in the 20s yesterday. When I reached the building, I found displaced residents everywhere. The Red Cross had made camp in the basement, trying to make lists of residents and establish who was safe and who was not. The fire and police units had set up rehab in the sanctuary. And the church staff plus a few members were moving between the residents, the Red Cross, the fire and police crews, the media, and a host of other organizations.

I quickly learned what happened. The blaze began around midnight Tuesday morning. The folks who live in the ministry house awoke to screaming. Brett, James, Brian, and Alex came out to find out what was happening. They saw the building aflame. People jumping from windows, children being thrown to neighbors who had already made it out. One entire wing of the building was already engulfed in flame. The guys opened up the church building for people to get warm--many in pajamas and bare feet in negative degree temperatures. The fire units, Red Cross, and police would soon arrive, but as of 9:30am this morning, Wednesday, the fire is still burning.

It was an old building, built mostly out of wood, the outside finished in brick. When the roof collapsed, it basically turned the whole place into an oven, creating pockets of fire that the water could not get to. One fireman, who I had the opportunity to drive back to his fire station, told me it was the worst fire that he had seen in 21 years of fighting fires.

I stayed the rest of the day, answering phones, cleaning up messes here and there, directing people to where they needed to be, getting coffee for the fire and police units from Starbucks, trying to help field information from all of the different organizations, talking to firemen, police, Red Cross, and residents. I got to know the manager at Applebee's, who brought tons of food for the firemen, police, volunteers, and residents at least six times throughout the day. Chipotle, Red Robin, Souper Salad, Panera, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Starbucks, and a myriad of others also brought food at various points. Walmart brought blankets, socks, shoes, clothing, furniture, diapers, formula, etc. And so many people called all day long wanting to give. Eventually we had to stop excepting donations and started asking people to give monetary donations to the Red Cross. Apartment complexes and tons of local residents called to offer people places to stay. It was simply amazing.

By the end of the day I was very tired, though not nearly as tired as many around me. So after one last run to Starbucks for more coffee, I headed home to my bed--a place I was incredibly grateful that I could go. So one last cheer for the heroes of the day, many of whom will continue to fight the fight again today: the firefighters, the police, the Red Cross volunteers, the Salvation Army volunteers, the Staff and church members at Springs of Life, many restaurants and Good Samaritans, several local pastors who stayed the day to help, the Humane Society, and a host of other aid organizations. Thanks to all of you!

It's cold!!!!!!!!! Yesterday's high 20 degrees. Yesterday's low 1 degree. Current temperature -2 degrees. Wind chill -16 degrees. High today 11 degrees.

Are you kidding me ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Every December 31st I make it a point to write a journal entry. When it comes to my journal, it may be months between entries, days, or occasionally hours, but December 31st always receives an entry.

As you might have guessed, December 31st entries are reflections on the past year. A list of gains and losses. Occasionally a lesson or two learned. Typically as I reflect I discover a central theme for the year, something usually that God used the events of the year to teach me. 2006 boiled down to one theme, one word: hope.

I cannot say that before 2006 I ever really understood hope. Yes, I hoped for things, and I hoped in things. But, I do not think that I truly knew what hope is.

This year, I saw many who live without hope. Some of them I have become deeply involved in their lives. I see the emptiness that is there.

For me I came to believe that there was something more to hope for than the bondage I was so enmeshed in. I began to believe that I could lead a different life than the one I was leading. I began to see freedom, and I hoped for it.

I love to run, but running takes an effort that I am not always willing to give. Each time that I strap on my running shoes and take to the road, I remember the exhilaration and the clarity that comes to my mind with each step. An ambition of mine is to run a marathon. As I have talked with other marathoners, I hear stories of the anguish and the pain that hits especially hard in the last few miles of the race. But every time that I ask if it was worth the pain, every time that I ask whether or not they enjoyed the experience, they all say it was worth it and that they loved it.

Hope is like that. Hope does not come out of times of ease and blessing. Hope comes out of times of hardship and anguish. Although the race is worth it, the race comes with a lot of pain. But you eagerly and expentantly look for the finish line and know that it is drawing nearer with each step. That is the hope.

It would be nice if hope and its predecessor faith came out of the blissful moments of life. But somehow I do not think that hope would be hope or faith would be faith if they came out of those moments. And so in the midst of the pain and the hardship, I eagerly hope for and find the freedom given in Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

(Taken from a paper I recently wrote for Dynamics of the Spiritual Journey, my Tuesday night class.)

There was a canyon near the city I grew up in. Many wealthy people had homes in and around the canyon. A man bought property on the edge of the canyon wall. This land had one of the best views of the canyon and the lake below and was an excellent place for a dream home. The man was quite eccentric and designed a house with an entirely steel framework that resembled the head of a bird of prey. He began to build the house jutting over the side of the cliff, but he misjudged. The man quickly ran out of funds after construction began. He went bankrupt, and the bank repossessed the land and the partially built house. The steel framework, the only thing to be completed on the house, still stands at the top of the cliff—a horrifically, ugly fixture surround by beautiful landscape and some of the finest homes in the area.

Every time that I drive out to the canyon I remember the story and see the monstrous memorial to the man who did not count the cost. Jesus told a similar story in Luke 24:28-30:

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’”

This he used as an example of counting the cost of discipleship. Jesus made it perfectly plain that if you desired to be in relationship with him as a disciple that it would cost you everything—your relationships with family and friends, wealth, etc. Everything had to be worth less in your estimate than your relationship with him.

This is where I find myself in Jesus’ story. Sitting and counting the cost. Desiring to be a disciple of Jesus, becoming his follower in doctrine and in conduct of life, but not yet certain of paying the full price. I sit counting the cost of truly following Jesus, not just believing in him, but learning to live like him—having the kind of relationships he had, seeking out the kind of wisdom he had, loving God as he did, loving others as he did. It is truly dangerous and truly costly! So I sit and count, deciding whether or not to invest.

Question: Can you forgive God?

I know it's a strange question, but it is one that I am wrestling with tonight.

From all we know of God, we know that He is perfect and therefore without blame. We know that He "works for the good of all who love him" (Romans 8:28). So with that knowledge we can then say that there is no need to forgive God.

But what about from the other side? When we look at the relationships from the God to us side, there is no need to forgive God because God's never done anything that would merit forgiveness. But what about from the side of the relationship of us to God?

If I am harboring anger towards someone who I feel has wronged me, even Jesus would teach that I should forgive in order to move past the anger. All good counselors will tell you that you can never move on with your life if you are still harboring anger and that you must forgive in order to move forward. There is a healing that comes in forgiveness--even when what you forgive is not truly the other person's fault.

So what happens when you are blaming God for broken dreams, trials, hardships, things in your life that you wish wouldn't have happened or think shouldn't have happened? Maybe you don't even realize that you are blaming God. Maybe you can't reconcile a loving God with the abuse you suffered or the death of a loved one. Maybe you are angry with God and you can't move forward in your relationship because you are angry. Can you in that situation--even though you have unjustly blamed God, even though you know that God didn't truly do those things to you, even though you believe that God does have your best interest at heart like the good Father that He is--can you forgive Him? Or maybe you don't believe those things. Can you forgive Him?

I think that you can. What safer place can there be to seek that kind of healing than in God? But I seriously want to know any thoughts that any of you in "blogland" might have on the subject. So comment away.

No one has missed the story, and if you have, you won't have to travel far to get caught up. I speak of the news story on Ted Haggard's exposure. I feel compelled to write on this topic not to continue the debate or to further rebuke the man but to write on truths that this has brought up for my life.

In his statement to New Life Church , Ted wrote the following: “The public person I was wasn’t a lie; it was just incomplete. When I stopped communicating about my problems, the darkness increased and finally dominated me. As a result, I did things that were contrary to everything I believe.” What an incredibly true statement for all of us to contemplate!

I know the dark places of my life. I know the things that I keep to myself. I know what happens when I don't expose those things to the truth of Christ. I know what happens when I don't share those things with spiritual friends and mentors. I know what happens. I know the dark, ugliness that resides in my flesh when I am not walking in the Spirit. I know where Ted has been and is.

I am no different from this man. My sins are no different from his. The ugliness in him is the same ugliness in me. This is why I am thankful for a grace giving God who loves me even in the midst of all my ugliness and a God who has forgiven all that ugliness.

As a few of us sat prayed for Ted and New Life the other night, God brought me to Psalm 33. It is a good reminder that our hope and our strength come from the Lord and not of our own powers. I hope that you will be encouraged by these verses:

"From heaven the LORD looks down and sees all humankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth—he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do. No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, LORD, even as we put our hope in you" (v13-22).

Profiles, Volume 2

Today I get to share with you about Jenny.

Jenny was one of my first friends at Springs of Life Church (SLC). She has been a great joy to me, and our friendship reminds me a lot of familiar and good friendships I've shared with certain folk over the years.

Yesterday, I got to share some sweet time with Jenny during an afternoon drive through the Rockies. It was beautiful, snow covered yet sunny. A perfect day in so many ways. But the best part of our drive was the deep conversation in which we shared about life, God, and life in God.

Jenny has a simply amazing heart. She genuinely loves the Lord and greatly desires to know Him as her "portion." Every time we are together, I am sharpened and challenged to grow deeper in my own walk with the Lord. I treasure the time we spend together and can truly say that I enjoy Jenny.

Probably my favorite thing about Jenny is her uncanny ability to create word pictures that are often comical but perfectly describe whatever she is talking about. This is a gal who can easily laugh at herself, yet she is confident in her identity found in Christ. She openly shares her struggles and the messiness of her life and has deep wisdom to share with all who are open to hear.

I am blessed to know her.

(Jenny is the one on the left.)

In writing an email to a friend earlier today, I realized two things:

1. My prolonged absence from my blog.
2. That I haven't shared much about these strange new people in my life.

So in an effort to remedy these facts, I'm beginning a new "series." Let's call it "Profiles." In other words, I'm going to share with you brief glimpses of the fascinating people of Colorado Springs.

Profiles, Volume 1

(By the way, since I'm not seeking permission from these people to do a write-up on them, I may or may not be using their real names.)

My boss. Dave (which is his real name).

I can't write enough to you about my boss. I continue to be blessed with wise and intelligent men in my life. Men who can provide advice, help me to choose the best path, and encourage me in my journey. Dave is another of those men.

My favorite time of day at work usually occurs toward the end of my shift when I sit down in the chair next to Dave's desk and we chat for 10 to 15 minutes. We talk about any upcoming events that I'm planning, any big changes that are coming up for the store, any rumbling throughout our district, and rumbling throughout the store. Then, inevitably, our conversation digresses to our personal lives, God, Church, etc. This is the part I enjoy the most. I get to see a little of what makes Dave tick. I get to see what's going on behind the intensity that drives him everyday. I get wisdom and advice on where I'm headed and specific things that are going on in my life.

Dave loves books. He loves our store. He loves his job, though he hates a lot of the corporate crap. He loves his wife and his two teenage sons. He has lots of passion, strives for integrity, and is completely honest about who he is and where he is in life. Some find him incredibly intimidating due to his passion, intensity, and straight-forwardness. I find those things refreshing.

(Yep, that's him in the dog suit!)

So there is much more to life right now than writing papers. Would I say that I am settled into life in Colorado? Well, yeah, I think I would. Would I say that I like it here? Yes, yes, I do. Here's some highlights of life in Colorado:

• Hiking. Lots and lots of hiking in lots and lots of beautiful places.
• Snow. It snows here. Twice in the last week. But not to the point that the roads are impossible and you feel trapped inside, which I would not enjoy.
• Work. Yeah, I still love my job.
• Bookfairs. One of my favorite aspects to my job. I get to help schools and literary nonprofits raise money.
• Kids events. I get to play with kids and spend time creating crafts, coming up with games, and have fun finding cool, cheap stuff at the dollar store.
• My online class. Love it. No doubt, there will be posts coming on what I am learning in this class. Friday night Bible Study. Lovin' the college and career crew at church. Lovin' being challenged to go deeper with this group of people.
• The people I work with, the people I go to church with, the people I go to class with. Lots of good, good people, that God is using in my life in various ways.
• God. Yeah, He's doing some pretty stinkin' amazing things in my life right now which I hope to share with you all soon!

So how's colorful Colorado? It's great!

I closed my eyes. I clicked the mouse button. And there it went--my first paper submitted in graduate school. I think I need to go for a run now...

As promised, the more to come....

The last four months (yes, it has been four months since I moved to Colorado, can you believe it?) have been, well, in a word, remarkable. I have seen the Lord move on my heart and in my spirit in amazing ways that I cannot even begin to put words to. Let's just say that I feel that due to His loving kindness, I have grown more and seen more of the heart of God in the last few months than I feel I have in the last two years. For those of you who know my journey well, you know how big of a statement that is because God has certainly done a lot in the last two years of life.

One part of this great movement has been looking for authenticity in relationships and authenticity in myself. Like most of us, I excel at hiding the true me--the me God created me to be--from others. Life's lessons have taught me that people are not trustworthy and that when you are real and vulnerable, you tend to get stomped all over. But these are life's lessons and not the lessons of God.

Since moving here, there has been a huge shift in my relationship base. Before Colorado, majority of my major friendships were with Christians--a truth from my infancy all the way up to Portland. Now, however, majority of my major friendships, work colleagues mostly, are with non-believers. A big shift that has shown me much about how I respond to and interact with others. I find that for the most part it is much easier for me to be authentic with non-believers than it is for me to be with believers. Life has taught me that the expectations and judgments of believers are much harsher than those of non-believers. Non-believers tend to be much more open about accepting you were you are in life--your screw-ups, your achievements, your short-comings, your goals, your skills--the whole big picture of your life. I am fearful of letting Christians see the real me because I am fearful of their judgment.

All this to say that on the retreat of two weekends ago, God began to work a good work in me. I am learning in small baby steps to be authentic with all people. To cast down the idol which I have made of my fears of man, and to put my trust in the Lord. I recognize that people are not perfect, that Christians are not perfect. They will fail me, they will hurt me, but living in hiding does not please the Lord. By hiding I create an idol of my fear rather than turning to the Lord for my ultimate companionship.

These are baby steps in the journey--the first being recognizing the idol I have made of my fear, the second desiring to be authentic with all people rather than a select few. I have no doubt that this will be a long journey of seeking healing from what life broke and learning to live a new, authentic life. But I am excited for the journey ahead. I rejoice in what He is doing. I rejoice in both the trial of it and the life renewed because I trust that the Lord is working a good thing in me.

Last weekend I had the glorious opportunity to spend a few days in the mountains on the Springs of Life Church women's retreat.

Now I'm sure you all have lots of questions, like "Springs of Life Church, who?" So let me fill in a few background details.

I have been going to SLC since July. Brett, one of the ministers, came into B&N to order books. I helped him, we chatted for a minute, he invited me to church. I've been going there ever since.

SLC is a small and intimate community. Sunday's average around 70 people, and it's a good blend of people. There are several in my age range, then it goes way up from there and way down. It's fun to worship with instruments again, but I do miss a capella on occasion, however. It's definitely a different experience from worshipping at PUMP, but the people are absolutely wonderful. I'm slowly getting to know everybody, and am continually inspired by men and women who have a true desire to be in relationship with the Lord and with each other.

It was good to spend a full weekend among Christian women. It has been a while since I have been in such a setting. God showed up in some pretty amazing ways--ways that I'm still processing and will later blog on. For now I will simply leave you with beautiful pictures from the weekend.

I've been tagged.

A book that changed my life besides the Bible:
The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard

A book I'’ve read more than once:
Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

A book I would take with me if I were stuck on a desert island:
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

A book that made me laugh:
The Devil Wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger

A book that I wish had been written:
A Human's guide to Life: Life of Amanda Peterson Edition

A book that I wish had never been written:
I work at a bookstore. There are many.

A book I'’ve been meaning to read:
Again, I work at a bookstore. There are many.

I'’m currently reading:
The Spirit of the Disciplines, Dallas Willard
7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey
The Collected Works of St. Teresa of Avila
Sacred Companions, David Benner

So here we go:
Amber Lehmann
Jessica Bolt
Christense Anderson
Rob Annesse
Ben Hines

Tag Your It!