Sunday, January 21, 2007

I am about to be brutally honest. So if you don't want to read that brutal truth, then I suggest you move on in your Internet surf.

I don't like God right now. I am struggling to reconcile God with a lot of what I know and have experienced in this meaningless world. God makes no sense to me, and so I don't like him.

What is the more brutal truth is that I know that God is okay with that. God is okay with the fact that I am not okay with him, and God is not pushing me or forcing me in anyway to be okay with him. I suppose that is proof of a graceful God.

God is simply sitting with me. He's reminding me that he loves me. He's encouraging me not to give up on him and assuring me that he has not given up on me. He calls me his love, his beautiful girl, his child. And he sits with me as I wrestle with him.

I'm not giving up on God even though I do not like him and cannot reconcile him to my experience. I'm not walking away; though, there have definitely been moments that I have wanted to. The truth is that I can't. I can't because I need there to be something bigger than me. I need there to be something worth hoping in. I need there to be something that loves me and loves this meaningless world.

So if you decided to read the brutal truth and you happen to like God, it would be good of you to pray for me. I think that I would like you to do that. I think that I want to like him again. And if you read the brutal truth and like me you don't really like God right now, I want you to know that it is okay. I think, I hope, that God can handle it. I think he's okay with you not liking him the same way that he's okay with me not liking him. And I think he loves us anyway and is looking forward to the day when we decide we like him again.


kristi said...

Thank you for being honest. I too think that God is okay with you not liking him right now. I will be keeping you in my prayers. I have had similar experiences in my faith. And know that I too am struggling with God in different ways. Hope that is an encouragement and not discouragement. I love you dearly friend and miss talking and seeing you. Good luck with this journey, I will be sending up prayers for you.

Jessica Bolt said...

Thanks. I think I needed to hear that right now.

Stacey said...

My dear friend, I think you're right! You have a precious heart! I'm so proud of you and thank the Lord SO much for you! You bless me!

kristi w said...

If (when) Trinity gets frustrated with me it does not make me like her any less. In fact, if she chooses to take a "time out" from me, it is kind of endearing! I wouldn't want to make God look as basic as a human parent, but I would guess it is similar for Him. He understands, I'm sure. There are no doubt times he doesn't like me very much, but that doesn't alter His unending love.

Bless your journey-

Sarah Megan said...

Oh girl,
I have definitely been here and done that a majority of the past year.
I pray this time will bless you in the future as it did me. I am saying a prayer for you right now.