I've been back in the US for three weeks now. As usual with the passing of time, it seems impossible so much time has passed and impossible it hasn't been much longer than three weeks.
I am still very much in a "Now what?" place. A few job interviews under the belt. Lots of networking and reconnecting and figuring out how to live in West Texas again. At this point I will say, Lubbock feels very small and very foreign. It's not the Lubbock of my childhood but in so many ways it still is the very same Lubbock I left.
I'm in one of those transitional limbo periods that come with every move to every new place--where you don't really know the place or how to be in it yet and where the kinks of how to live there are still getting worked out.
I've never been a fan of limbo despite the number of times I've been here over the years. It feels out of sync with the rest of the world. You can see life happening about you. People move freely in their lives and experiences; you, on the other hand, seem to be a few seconds out of sync. You are moving at a slightly different pace than everything around you and taking a bit longer to internalize it all.
I hope I'm dealing with the transition a bit better this time around than I have in times past. I can still see the signs of the anxiety--obsessively checking Facebook and Twitter and my blog stats to see just how many of you are out there, struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with food, staying up too late and sitting in my pajamas for too long the next morning. And all the time wanting to move on to the next phase. But I'm also finding healthy ways to help me work through the transition with projects and reconnecting and leaning into Jesus a bit more than I ever have before in limbo.
Last Sunday's preach was out of John 12:23-29, focusing specifically on verses twenty-seven through twenty-nine. Jesus knows his "hour" is approaching when he will be delivered into the hands of those wanting to kill him. He rightly confesses "my soul is troubled." But then responds with a remarkable statement of faith and understanding of his purpose, "and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour?' No, it was for this very reason I cam to this hour. Father, glorify your name."
I confess I've been wanting to be saved from this hour, but I know this hour, this limbo, is part of a much larger story of bringing Hannah home and living in obedience to God--living out a better story. In allowing me to be in this limbo, God, I hope, is preparing something greater than I could ever imagine. It forces me to ask the question, am I living right now for my own glory or for God's?
I hope very soon to find a job, the right job, to move into my own place, to settle in and to be out of this limbo stage, but for as long as I am in limbo, I hope to live better and more purposefully and find the better story God has for me even in this stage.
I hope to be honest when others ask me how I'm doing or what it's like being back. And I hope to be honest with myself about all those feelings.
I hope to settle into a natural rhythm and find myself more at ease in transition--less stress and more faith.
I hope to do something better, be something better and believe something better than I have in the past when I found myself in limbo.
I hope to find a joy and a hope and a peace in limbo that I've never known before.
What about you, how are you dealing with limbo or whatever phase of life you currently find yourself in?